So my head is a swimming whirl pool of emotions today, nothing specific yet all related. Emotions these days are hard to comprehend. I feel guilt when I laugh at work, I can't muster a tear when I should be breaking down, my eyes well up when I least expect it. My youthful temper seems to be simmering waiting for the wrong time to rear its ugly head. Not knowing if I am displaying the right emotion at the right time, wondering why I have to think about what emotion I am showing at any given time and analyze if its the correct one.
I was watching Bridge to Terabithia last night, mostly a pre-screen to see if its a movie we could watch with Mckalya the first opportunity we get to have a movie night with her. And its a decent kids movie, not too scary, but the subject gets a little deep in the end, and I wont spoil the end for anyone, but it had me breaking down, and I don't know if it was the movie itself or just bad timing emotionally.
Then the guilt sets in, I scold myself for letting myself let go, I scold myself for feeling like that or anything else, which makes no sense, because I have to feel like something, but these days I am not 100% sure what I should be at any given moment. It feels wrong to be happy, feels selfish to be sad, feels unforgivable to be angry. Tami, as great as she is has always said that I can feel and show her anything I am feeling at anytime, but even now I feel selfish for sharing any thing I feel. Everyone tells me this is just silly, heck I know its silly, yet I still try and shield everyone which just tends to backfire or make things worse in the long run. I am really just scared, cornered, confused, falling down a black hole not knowing when I am gonna splatter on the bottom.
I snap at people I shouldn't snap at (including Tami). Its getting harder to watch any movie or TV program anymore (the theme is either cancer, sickness or death - really get a pad and pencil and mark every time even just cancer is mentioned, let alone sickness or death). Heck, even at work I have heard the term cancer used to describe other things, I hate that word so much now. I don't know the right things to say, it seems like I just say the same things over and over and everyone is starting to doubt it. Tami gave me an email of this guy that is going thru the same situation, but to be honest I am almost scared to talk to him now, that it will make it even more real, or it will show I am not doing good enough or whatever. Part of me still wants to sit in denial, and not admit that Tami is going thru the same things as these other people, that she will be just fine and we can get back to her yelling at me for not picking up my towels, or cleaning up my computer desk. I know its not the case, but my mind cant wrap itself around the concept at times.
The 1 year anniversary is coming up, and it seems all to fast to be just a year, and all to slow to only be just a year. All Tami has been thru, how proud of her I am to have battled this far and gone thru so much. She says I take the brunt of her emotions some days, and maybe I do, but it's all I can take away from her, I cant take her cancer, I would if I could, I cant ease her fears, I cant make her pain less or take the illness that the chemo gives her away. I know of the worst days, the brunt of her emotions doesn't even begin to equal what she deals with day to day.
The title of this post shouldn't disappoint, it is non specific ramblings, but this is how my head gets somedays, like I cant think straight cuz I have so much being run thru it. It doesn't feel like anyone could understand and at the same time feels like I should just knock the shit off and take care of what I need to take care of. So I am taking my lunch break today to unload my mind thru type and see if that helps any, I doubt it, but it can't hurt.
