Sleep Paralysis

Here is the definition of this: http://www.medterms.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=9806.

I have suffered from this since I was in my mid teens, of course I didn't really know what it was till some years ago when I really started getting into paranormal investigation shows. I can still remember some of my first episodes. The first ones being the sensation of being carried above a number of people's head and not being able to move. Then the came more realistic as in the true definition of them where it was like I was able to look around the darkened bedroom as if I was awake but unable to move. The first time that happened it was as if someone was at the foot of my bed holding my feet down.

I always knew it was some sort of in-my-head-thing, but some of the episodes had some weird content that I mostly kept it to myself. I really never even told Tami about it until I was watching one of the better paranormal investigation shows that actually tries to find earthly reasoning behind paranormal experiences. Things that tipped me off that it was a mind thing was at times when it would happen things like the room would be backwards, completely mirrored and for a time I was able to do things like scream at the top of my lungs to get myself out of it, I wouldn't really be screaming, but in my dream I would be.

For the most part they have never really been anything to write home about, I mean I experienced the panicked feelings people talk about, I mean if you never experienced it you might not understand but waking up to not being able to move or speak or reach over to wake up your spouse can be a bit freaky, like a nightmare but awake, but not awake, yeah, weird.

Anyways, I had a bad bout of it last night. I can trace back and understand what probably happened, I been going for 4 mile walks daily, I haven't been getting to bed very early and I get up really early for work, not to mention everything that's been going on in my life these days. Last night as I was falling asleep it started, and I knew what was going on, I struggled of course as I always do. Then it ramped up, I heard Tami crying out in pain like she had before she died, it sounded like it was coming from the bathroom where she spent a lot of time when she was having bad pains. It was so real, I cant even tell you. Then I was able to roll a little, or at least I thought I did, then standing at the side of my bed was a dark figure, very fuzzy and with little to no definable shape. I heard my name yelled in a voice I didn't recognize, at least at the time I couldn't make out who it was, when I finally woke up I thought it was Tami's voice but it wasn't, I don't know who it was.

I don't know how long this lasted, maybe a few minutes, a few seconds, I don't know. I knew what had happened, that none of it was real and that I needed sleep and my body was making me pay for not getting it, but this was probably the most, hmmm, I guess the only word would be terrifying episode I have ever had. I flicked the light on and did the only thing I could think of, went back to sleep, I must have went fast cuz the light was still on at 3:30 when the alarm went off.

It's the first time I have felt the need to google sleep paralysis, although I have never had any alien abduction events, I can a test for the ghostly apparitions. I wont be so bold as to say ever ghostly encounter recorded can be attributed to this, but I certainly have only had these experiences in this state of S.P. It's interesting to read now how wide spread it is, and that it seems very common. It made me feel like sharing, even if I only get a couple visits here, and maybe 2 people that actually comment. It still felt like something I should share. Let me know if any of you have had anything like this happen to you.

Step-fatherhood

I tell you what, this parenthood stuff is tough, then add in the step part and it is even a tough path to navigate. Now don't get me wrong, I don't regret anything I have, far from of it. But boy, you just don't know which way to steer on any given day. It's especially hard now that my guide in life has been taken away.

It's tough to go from a pair to a single. The only one I have to bounce things off of, that really knew everyone involved is not there, or at least, can no longer answer. A lot of my insecurities are magnified.

Now I know the initial answer or response by all you parents out there is get over it, its just parenting, but hold up Tonto. It's not so easy. First just the initial fear of pushing someone away because you say something with the best intentions that maybe someone doesn't want to hear. Of course parents have this risk as well, but there is that unconditional bond that generally prevails in most situations. I either don't have that net, or worried it isn't there. Then my true tie to the family is robbed, well it makes for a lot of tip toeing on my part, whether it's warranted or or not.

I have never been one to always make the right choices in life, I shoot from the hip a lot. Even times when I do something I think is nice it seems to always have a bad result down the road. No not every time, but I am far from batting 1000 either. Even when I feel in my heart I am right in doing something, someone has to make it seem wrong. Meh, I suppose that is life, but it always gets me second guessing myself. I run thru things until I come up with every crazy possible scenario. My goodness I could become a shut-in some days.

Bah, I probably over think things too much. I shouldn't expect to understand everything, the minute you do is about 10 minutes after you pass.

How not to drum up business Pt 2

WTF!?!? The salvation army called today??? I mean really, I haven't even been able to think about picking up her dress she wore to Sarah's wedding from where she set it down that night, and the salvation army is calling my home? I am glad I wasn't home, but I can only imagine why they were calling. Sorry... 2 weeks 5 days ISNT FUCKING LONG ENOUGH!!

R.I.P. Uncle Greg

I just found out today after returning home from yet another round of another new Chemo for Tami that my Uncle Greg passed away. He was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer just a short few months ago. Just like that, he is gone.

My Uncle Greg was probably one of the closest Uncles I had, he wasn't even truly an Uncle, but one of my Dad's close friends, but I always knew him as Uncle Greg. I grew up with his kids, Joanne and Brad, often staying at their house over night, or them staying at ours. He was just like my Dad in many ways, he was quite a character, and a drinker with my dad in their early years I would learn much later in life. I respected him like I did my dad, and missed them when they moved back to Manitoba with his job at Air Canada.

From there I didn't see them as much, and then as I moved out on my own, not at all. I got the random comical email from them, but not much more. Now he is gone. Tami never got to meet him, and I regret that, chalk up another of life's regrets.

Rest in peace Uncle Greg, and my condolences go out to Aunt Janet, Joanne, and Brad. I am thinking of all you.

This step father stuff is hard work....

I wouldn't ever say that I was scared about the prospect of becoming the step-father to 3 kids, I don't remember every hesitating on it at all. I don't know that I fully grasped the daunting task of being there for them, although I could claim the bar wasn't set very high for me by the person before me. That said, once I got into the mix, I probably made a lot of mistakes, with the boys especially.

13 years later, I got to walk Sarah down the aisle, I am tops on the Papa list, and I am still trying to figure all this out, I have come to the conclusion that I will still be learning how to do this till the end. Specially with what Tami has been going thru, I feel like I should be stepping up even more, but I am never really sure where and when, and that boat never stops to tell me before sailing on by. I know I have it in me, me and Sarah have never been closer, we talk like father and daughter, sometimes after hanging out with her I just shake my head because I can't believe, and would have never believed I could have built such a good relationship with her.

The boys continue to allude me, I know what I need to do, but its kinda like when you change jobs, or move to a new town, and you tell someone you will call. Then time passes, and you tell yourself you will call in a week, then it becomes a month, then a year, and so on. It just keeps getting harder to call as time goes. That is sorta where I am at now. The bad thing is they probably need me to be there more than every, and I just need to knuckle down and do it. But then I procrastinate. I'm good at that, ask Tami.

The longer I wait, the tougher it gets, the more factors that become involved. It's not just them anymore, it's their spouses and kids, its things going on with them aside from just what we have going on now. If there is one thing I am better at than procrastinating, it's digging myself a hole to climb out of.

Here I go, starting to climb...

Nerves of Rubber

I tell ya, I always claimed to be unaffected by stress, that I could distance myself enough from it that it would never affect me, but I have come to realize that I just never have been in a stressful situation till now. I am covering the gamut of emotions right now, fear, sadness, happiness, anger, you name it, I am living it. 

Lets see, Tami had her scan today, at this point she is well into this chemo and it is starting to take its toll, her counts are taking a beating and its emotionally draining on her to boot. Now she has a scan, which I get to give her the results on tomorrow. Depending on how it turns out it could change the course of her treatment. Of course this is nothing new, every scan seems to be so pivotal. But as time goes on, it just seems to be more so. Since we started going to Chicago, I get to be the first to see the reads, I get to give her the results, on one hand I wouldn't have it any other way, on the other hand I don't want to be the bearer of bad news either. I feel really good about this scan, I cant say why, but I do. I just hope my gut feelings are right for a change.

Coming up on Friday, I get to have an honor that I never thought I would get to have. I get to walk my step-daughter down the aisle as she gets married. I cant put into words how honored and touched I am that she is letting me be part of this, even when I met her for the first time and we seemed to hit it off so well, I never imagined that I would be so close to her that she would allow me to do this. I am very proud of her, how she has handled herself thru everything. I am actually kinda getting nervous about it now, I mean I had a fumble during my own marriage (with my wawfully wedded wife :) ) I hope don't mess up this time. or worse, cry down the aisle like Tami thinks I am going to. :P

The economy sucks right now, and looking at how slow things are right now. Work is bracing for the worst of it, and it makes for some tough times. Top that all off with everything else going on and you have a wonderful stress sundae. I love my job and what I do, but times like this make it tough, I know I just have to push thru and things will work out. 

Its been super having my parents down here, and I can almost breath a little easier during the day knowing they are at home with Tami. Its going to suck saying goodbye to them on Sunday morning as it always is, and I know it will be 100 times worse for Tami cuz I know having someone there with her is a huge help.

All I can do now is try to be a better husband/step-father/person each day. Try and manage my stress levels so that I can take care of what is important. Somedays its tough, but luckily I have such a great example of strength in Tami to look up to, I just hope somedays she is proud of me as I am of her everyday.