R.I.P. Uncle Greg

I just found out today after returning home from yet another round of another new Chemo for Tami that my Uncle Greg passed away. He was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer just a short few months ago. Just like that, he is gone.

My Uncle Greg was probably one of the closest Uncles I had, he wasn't even truly an Uncle, but one of my Dad's close friends, but I always knew him as Uncle Greg. I grew up with his kids, Joanne and Brad, often staying at their house over night, or them staying at ours. He was just like my Dad in many ways, he was quite a character, and a drinker with my dad in their early years I would learn much later in life. I respected him like I did my dad, and missed them when they moved back to Manitoba with his job at Air Canada.

From there I didn't see them as much, and then as I moved out on my own, not at all. I got the random comical email from them, but not much more. Now he is gone. Tami never got to meet him, and I regret that, chalk up another of life's regrets.

Rest in peace Uncle Greg, and my condolences go out to Aunt Janet, Joanne, and Brad. I am thinking of all you.

So many paths...

It seems like we cant stay in one place too long, the we get stagnant and have to move along. I don't understand why, is it just us, do all cancer patients do this, I don't get it. Tami has been wanting to try other options for some time, all through this we have gotten told that Chemo is the way, nothing else at this time, maybe in the future something else. The future keeps coming and going and here we are, trying another Chemo and being told the more Chemos we do the less likely they will be effective.

So I am a logical thinker, and Tami is my perfect match and is an emotional thinker. I have to understand the problem, I have to understand the solution and when something is beyond my knowledge or skillset I defer to the "experts". As time gos along, and I start to understand the problem, my logical brain starts chewing on things. I look at Tami currently, and I think about her problem. She has Tumors in her liver, which were determined to be inoperable, she has a couple small spots in her omentum, these could be operable, as well there is other treatments for the omentum.

What will get her, out of the omentum "gut sack" and her liver, which do you think will get her if not addressed? Of course the liver will, now the current Chemo is supposed to be targeting both. Of course it is very debatable at how well it is doing, and more so how well this new chemo will do. There is a treatment call Y90, tiny radioactive beads flushed thru the liver (I am way over simplifying of course) that attack tumors in the liver, a proven performer (our current Oncologist has been involved in studies and papers with this treatment *shrug*). So my logical mind says, attack the liver, and treat the omentum afterwards. Ok, so there is a possibility the cancer in her omentum will rage out of control and all will be for not. But the problem with siting back is that it has only got us more cancer and any head way we have made is gone, again. 1 step forward, 2 steps back.

So here we are, headed into overtime. If we win, we get 2 points, if we lose end up with 1 point, and if we stay tied, both us and cancer get a point. I think its time to go on the offensive, play for the win, the tie gets us no where and a loss, well we are at risk of loss since August of last year.

I had a doctor tell me this today in an email when I asked about the possibility of doing Y90 treatment to the liver even though there was cancer in her omentum as well:

"Yes nearly all neuroendocrine patients have disease outside the liver but the liver is the critical organ that needs to be kept as tumor-free as possible."

I cant tell you you how nice it was to hear a doctor say what I have been thinking but held back because I wanted to believe we only needed to be with on doctor. Does this mean he is right and our doctor is wrong? Of course not, if I have learned anything thru all this is that there is so many different opinions and paths to take when treating this disease. There are more aggressive paths, there are safer paths, which path would you take? I cant answer this for Tami, I can tell you that she isn't one to lay down and take anything. Oh you might here her down and out, and she might sound ready to throw in the towel, but then when you start to turn away, she will sucker punch you and show you there is still a lot of fight left (this coming from one that has taken that sucker punch a few times, and I mean that not in a physical way.... well mostly :) ).

Y90, its being used on the liver currently in the US, in Europe they are using it as a systemic treatment. A treatment developed in the US, being used to its fullest outside the US, all I have to say on that is W.T.F.

This step father stuff is hard work....

I wouldn't ever say that I was scared about the prospect of becoming the step-father to 3 kids, I don't remember every hesitating on it at all. I don't know that I fully grasped the daunting task of being there for them, although I could claim the bar wasn't set very high for me by the person before me. That said, once I got into the mix, I probably made a lot of mistakes, with the boys especially.

13 years later, I got to walk Sarah down the aisle, I am tops on the Papa list, and I am still trying to figure all this out, I have come to the conclusion that I will still be learning how to do this till the end. Specially with what Tami has been going thru, I feel like I should be stepping up even more, but I am never really sure where and when, and that boat never stops to tell me before sailing on by. I know I have it in me, me and Sarah have never been closer, we talk like father and daughter, sometimes after hanging out with her I just shake my head because I can't believe, and would have never believed I could have built such a good relationship with her.

The boys continue to allude me, I know what I need to do, but its kinda like when you change jobs, or move to a new town, and you tell someone you will call. Then time passes, and you tell yourself you will call in a week, then it becomes a month, then a year, and so on. It just keeps getting harder to call as time goes. That is sorta where I am at now. The bad thing is they probably need me to be there more than every, and I just need to knuckle down and do it. But then I procrastinate. I'm good at that, ask Tami.

The longer I wait, the tougher it gets, the more factors that become involved. It's not just them anymore, it's their spouses and kids, its things going on with them aside from just what we have going on now. If there is one thing I am better at than procrastinating, it's digging myself a hole to climb out of.

Here I go, starting to climb...