Sleep Paralysis

Here is the definition of this: http://www.medterms.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=9806.

I have suffered from this since I was in my mid teens, of course I didn't really know what it was till some years ago when I really started getting into paranormal investigation shows. I can still remember some of my first episodes. The first ones being the sensation of being carried above a number of people's head and not being able to move. Then the came more realistic as in the true definition of them where it was like I was able to look around the darkened bedroom as if I was awake but unable to move. The first time that happened it was as if someone was at the foot of my bed holding my feet down.

I always knew it was some sort of in-my-head-thing, but some of the episodes had some weird content that I mostly kept it to myself. I really never even told Tami about it until I was watching one of the better paranormal investigation shows that actually tries to find earthly reasoning behind paranormal experiences. Things that tipped me off that it was a mind thing was at times when it would happen things like the room would be backwards, completely mirrored and for a time I was able to do things like scream at the top of my lungs to get myself out of it, I wouldn't really be screaming, but in my dream I would be.

For the most part they have never really been anything to write home about, I mean I experienced the panicked feelings people talk about, I mean if you never experienced it you might not understand but waking up to not being able to move or speak or reach over to wake up your spouse can be a bit freaky, like a nightmare but awake, but not awake, yeah, weird.

Anyways, I had a bad bout of it last night. I can trace back and understand what probably happened, I been going for 4 mile walks daily, I haven't been getting to bed very early and I get up really early for work, not to mention everything that's been going on in my life these days. Last night as I was falling asleep it started, and I knew what was going on, I struggled of course as I always do. Then it ramped up, I heard Tami crying out in pain like she had before she died, it sounded like it was coming from the bathroom where she spent a lot of time when she was having bad pains. It was so real, I cant even tell you. Then I was able to roll a little, or at least I thought I did, then standing at the side of my bed was a dark figure, very fuzzy and with little to no definable shape. I heard my name yelled in a voice I didn't recognize, at least at the time I couldn't make out who it was, when I finally woke up I thought it was Tami's voice but it wasn't, I don't know who it was.

I don't know how long this lasted, maybe a few minutes, a few seconds, I don't know. I knew what had happened, that none of it was real and that I needed sleep and my body was making me pay for not getting it, but this was probably the most, hmmm, I guess the only word would be terrifying episode I have ever had. I flicked the light on and did the only thing I could think of, went back to sleep, I must have went fast cuz the light was still on at 3:30 when the alarm went off.

It's the first time I have felt the need to google sleep paralysis, although I have never had any alien abduction events, I can a test for the ghostly apparitions. I wont be so bold as to say ever ghostly encounter recorded can be attributed to this, but I certainly have only had these experiences in this state of S.P. It's interesting to read now how wide spread it is, and that it seems very common. It made me feel like sharing, even if I only get a couple visits here, and maybe 2 people that actually comment. It still felt like something I should share. Let me know if any of you have had anything like this happen to you.

Step-fatherhood

I tell you what, this parenthood stuff is tough, then add in the step part and it is even a tough path to navigate. Now don't get me wrong, I don't regret anything I have, far from of it. But boy, you just don't know which way to steer on any given day. It's especially hard now that my guide in life has been taken away.

It's tough to go from a pair to a single. The only one I have to bounce things off of, that really knew everyone involved is not there, or at least, can no longer answer. A lot of my insecurities are magnified.

Now I know the initial answer or response by all you parents out there is get over it, its just parenting, but hold up Tonto. It's not so easy. First just the initial fear of pushing someone away because you say something with the best intentions that maybe someone doesn't want to hear. Of course parents have this risk as well, but there is that unconditional bond that generally prevails in most situations. I either don't have that net, or worried it isn't there. Then my true tie to the family is robbed, well it makes for a lot of tip toeing on my part, whether it's warranted or or not.

I have never been one to always make the right choices in life, I shoot from the hip a lot. Even times when I do something I think is nice it seems to always have a bad result down the road. No not every time, but I am far from batting 1000 either. Even when I feel in my heart I am right in doing something, someone has to make it seem wrong. Meh, I suppose that is life, but it always gets me second guessing myself. I run thru things until I come up with every crazy possible scenario. My goodness I could become a shut-in some days.

Bah, I probably over think things too much. I shouldn't expect to understand everything, the minute you do is about 10 minutes after you pass.